


I swear I would pull you from the tide

by HistoriaGloria



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Caduceus Clay, Background Beauregard/Yasha, Background Relationships, Background Yeza/Nott, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Soulmate AU, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, background Jester/Fjord
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-04-11 11:33:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19108810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HistoriaGloria/pseuds/HistoriaGloria
Summary: 'Bren Aldric Ermendrud had been born with clean, blank arms. His parents hadn’t been worried until Bren was ten years old and his arms remained stubbornly, defiantly, heart-wrenchingly blank.'Caleb Widogast had never had a soulmate and it hurt. Oh, by the gods did it hurt. But now, at age 33, running with the motley crew that was the Mighty Nein, he was trying not to focus on it.





	1. Feel no glory, feel no pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I was struck with this inspiration today and gods, I couldn't not do it!  
> This should be a three-parter and everyone who also reads Zemnian Traveller, that is still ongoing, sorry, apparently I have to write soulmate things.  
> I hope you all like it :D.
> 
> Work title is from Ricky Montgomery's Line Without A Hook:  
> 'Was it something I said that made you feel like a burden, oh  
> And if I could take it all back  
> I swear I would pull you from the tide.'
> 
> Chapter title is from The Staves, Make It Holy:  
> 'Torn apart and tired of it all, of it all,  
> Oh, never the same,  
> Feel no glory, feel no pain.'

Bren Aldric Ermendrud had been born with clean, blank arms. His parents hadn’t been worried until Bren was ten years old and his arms remained stubbornly, defiantly, heart-wrenchingly blank. In Exandria, a world of magic and mystery, there was one thing which remained constant; every person had the name of their soulmate etched in their soulmate’s native tongue into the underside of their arms. It was commonly in the left underarm, an inch or two below the crook of the elbow. But not Bren. The mark appeared with the birth of your soulmate and so when Bren still did not have a soulmate when he hit his teenage years, it seemed like he simply did not have one at all.

He hated it.

Bren had hated it when his parents had carefully sat him down, aged eleven and explained to him that maybe, just maybe, he didn’t have a soulmate.

He was a clever boy; he had worked that out by the time he was eleven. Besides, the other kids of Blumental hadn’t exactly allowed him to forget it. _Blank-blooded_ they called him; _soulless_ they had yelled until Bren had taken to always wearing long sleeves to hide his blank arms.

Astrid and Aedowulf were the only ones who didn’t care. They were so lucky, having each other’s names etched into their skin from birth. And when they had been children together, they had welcomed little Bren Ermendrud into their world and their life. The three were an unstoppable trio.

And they continued to be.

When Trent Ikithon scouted mages in Blumental, he took the three of them together to Rexxentrum and the Soltryce Academy. Bren felt like he could breathe there. He wore long sleeves for his uniform, and nobody had to know that he had no partner to his soul.

Astrid and Aedowulf continued to include Bren as much as they could. The trio slept together; their little mattresses thrown to the floor to allow them to sleep curled up together.

“You may not be our soulmate, Bren, but we love you,” Astrid whispered as he curled up between them, their arms protecting him from the world.

“We do,” echoed Aedowulf from the other side and Bren shuffled up to kiss them softly.

“I love you both two,” he whispered.

Several times, Bren took a small knife to his inner arm, desperately trying to carve Astrid and Aedowulf into his skin like they had carved themselves into his heart. But the scars never held, the magic of soulmates allowing the skin to heal clean once more and Bren hated it.

But then Trent Ikithon had embedded crystals into those arms and Bren was more focused on pleasing his master than worrying about his lack of a soulmate. Trent had never questioned or mentioned Bren’s blank skin and it only made him trust him more.

Oh, Bren trusted him with everything he had.

Right up until he broke.

When he finally escaped the asylum, eleven empty, mad, lost years later, he was no longer Bren Aldric Ermendrud.

* * *

 

One of the reasons Caleb grows to like the Mighty Nein so quickly was that they do not talk about their soulmarks. Nott hides hers, just as Caleb hides his, beneath bandages and wraps and sleeves and shame. He does not know if Nott has no mark like his or if she just wants to hide it.

It takes a little while for Caleb to see the marks on the other members of the Mighty Nein.

He sees Yasha’s first, the very first day they meet, with her exposed arms under her leather armour and her braces not covering the grey, scored through name of _Zuala_ etched into her right underarm. He feels a heavy wave of compassion and guilt for her at the way her mark is. Caleb knows, without a soulmate, your life can feel empty and grey. And for Yasha to have lost her soulmate must have hurt.

Fjord’s is the next he sees, mainly because the half-orc makes little attempt to hide it. He sees it as Fjord takes off his bracers on the road up to Alfield from Trostenwold and there is a floral scrawl of Infernal. The characters are so different that Caleb can not read the script, so he writes it off for a while. They have not pried into his soulmate, he will not pry into theirs.

Beauregard is next, drunkenly showing off her mark in Alfield after the defeat of the gnolls.

“Look, look!” she slurs, waving her forearm in Caleb’s face as he nurses a single beer, his head still full of flames and the gentle press of Mollymauk’s lips to his head. “ _Orphan-Maker_! I have the fucking most badass soulmate ever. Hope I getta meet them someday.” Caleb nods and mumbles,

“Ja, ja, Beauregard. I am sure you will.”

“Nah, I doubt it. With a name like _Orphan-Maker_ , they’re probably an orc or some shit and we’d probably only meet as enemies, you think?”

“No, no, Beauregard!” chimes in Jester. “You will meet them and fall in love because that’s what all the stories say!” And Caleb excuses himself from the table, choked up and trembling because the universe had told him since he was born that he wasn’t worthy of love.

He sees Jester’s quite by accident when they’re heading up to Zadash and her sleeve is blown up her arm by the blustery winds as they travel side by side and there it says _Fjord_ and Caleb smiles a little. So that is what the Infernal on Fjord’s arm says. But he doesn’t say anything. It isn’t for him to pry.

Zadash is when everything changes.

They go to the bathhouse together and whilst Caleb bathes with his arms bandaged to hide his shame, he sees the letters etched into Mollymauk’s arm, hidden slightly by the coiling snake tattoo which covers his skin.

_Bren Aldric Ermendrud._

Caleb leaves quickly that day and avoids the rest of the Nein for the day. How cruel of the world to give Mollymauk his name, a name that he had abandoned eleven years ago. How cruel of the world to give Mollymauk the name of an unmarked man.

Caleb never brings it up.

* * *

 

But then, everything with Lucien comes out and there is that damned Zone of Truth and Jester asks,

“Molly, what do you think about soulmates?” And Mollymauk shrugs, rubbing at Caleb’s old name on his arm.

“I think it’s a load of bullshit if you ask me. People love who they want to love, not who they’re told to love.” And, despite Caleb knowing that he didn’t, couldn’t, would never deserve Molly, it still hurts to be rejected.

“What about you, Caleb, Nott?” asks Jester with a playful glint in her eyes and Caleb flees the Zone of Truth before he blurts something out.

Something stupid like: _I have no mark, but I think I’m starting to fall in love with Mollymauk Tealeaf. I have no mark and I hate it, but Molly has my old name on his arm and maybe it could work out? I have no mark because I do not deserve to be loved._

He never hears Nott’s answer.

The Victory Pit makes Caleb feel sick to his stomach and he trembles so much after seen Trent Ikithon again, even if his old master did not recognise or see him.

He tells Beauregard and Nott about his past, about Ikithon and the Academy, about murdering his parents and about breaking. He tells them that he is garbage; he tells them that he is not worth the time and effort they give him.

He does not tell them about his old name or about the agonisingly blank space on his arm that he stopped looking at when he was 17. He does not tell them about Mollymauk.

* * *

 

The Mighty Nein go north to the Labenda Swamp and save a small bird child, Kiri, who Caleb realises he doesn’t hate as he gives her Frumpkin to cuddle. Kiri is easy to talk to, even if Jester and Nott have been teaching her terrible sounds like that loud shouting noise of excitement. He talks to her and tells her not to repeat what he says after she blurts out Nott’s secret about the halfling man from her encampment. And when Caleb asks what Nott felt about the halfling man, Nott does not answer with words, merely undoes the bandages on her left arm to show the name _Yeza Brenatto_ scrawled there. And Caleb does not respond with words, merely gives her a rare hug and helps her rebandage the hidden name. Kiri chirps quietly beside them.

She is good for them, Caleb decides as they reach Hupperdook, but she really needs somewhere to be that is not with a rag-tag group of idiots who do not know what they are doing and get into scrapes far too easily.

Leaving her with the Schusters hurts more than Caleb thought it would, especially when he leans down to hug her gently and she coos in his ear,

“Take care of yourself,” in Mollymauk’s voice and the wizard is a little choked for a moment.

“You too,” he replies, ruffling her feathers. “Be good. We’ll come visit you, we promise.” And she trills happily at that.

And the Mighty Nein continue up the Shady Creek Run, into the darkness awaiting them.


	2. Sometimes I can't help blaming you for leaving me here, what am I supposed to do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb feels it.  
> Caleb feels the moment Mollymauk Tealeaf's life is stolen from his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Having a lot of fun writing all of this!  
> I hope you like this chapter.  
> Chapter title comes from Amen, by Amber Run.  
> 'Sometimes I can't help blaming you,  
> For leaving me here,  
> What am I supposed to do?'

Caleb feels it.

He feels the moment Mollymauk Tealeaf’s life is stolen from his body.

He sees it too, sees that thug Lorenzo thrust the glaive down.

He hears the choked sound that Mollymauk makes.

He smells the thick, iron-y scent of blood.

He can taste that is his own mouth.

But most of all, he feels the agony that spirals through his chest and head and heart and his left arm, _by the Archheart it hurts so much_.

He is barely there as Lorenzo gloats, Beau and Nott skittering to his side in a desperate attempt to run but Caleb is clutching at his side, arm pulled close to his chest as he tries to remember how to breathe. And as Lorenzo threatens to kill Keg but leaves her alive for his own amusement, Caleb can barely think. The slavers pull away, their caravans continuing into the distance and Beau is the first to move over to Mollymauk. There is nothing that Caleb can think to say. He knows that he loved this man, this indescribable being and he had squandered and hid it away.

Now, it was all too late.

His heart feels like it is shattering as he writes a note for Mollymauk, in the desperate hope that he could crawl out of his grave empty and alone again, they would be there for him. The strokes of his letters are shaky but legible and by impulse, Caleb ends the note:

**_P.S. Your soulmate, Bren, loves you very much._ **

And he stuffs it into Mollymauk’s shirt before he can regret it.

There is nothing more crushing than having to dig the grave of the person you loved. The cat’s paw of Maxamillion’s Earthen Grasp almost makes Caleb vomit as he uses it to dig a shallow grave so that they can lower Mollymauk’s cold body into it.

“Long may he reign,” grunts Beauregard, but Caleb can see the tear streaks down her face as they arrange his body, wrapped up in the tapestry of the Plantinum Dragon. Nott echoes her as Caleb brushes hair out of Mollymauk’s face.

“Shine bright, circus man,” he whispers, unsure if he is talking to himself or to Mollymauk. And he steps away, filling in the grave with the still active cat’s paw. Caleb can barely bring himself to look as Beauregard sets up a marker for the grave, with the bright red coat that the tiefling had always worn.

They move quickly and when they meet Nila, she looks at Caleb with so much sorrow and gentleness in her eyes. He curls deeper into his coat, burying his face in his scarf. When they settle down to rest that night, there is a crushing kind of silence. Caleb sits away from the group and very carefully removes the bandages from his left arm.

He feels his heart jolt in his chest and tears well up in his eyes.

There, grey and scored through, is the name of his soulmate, in Infernal but even then the name is so distinctive.

_Mollymauk Tealeaf._

And suddenly, it all makes sense. Caleb couldn’t have had a name because Molly had said himself that he had been a different person before he had dragged himself out of that grave. Mollymauk Tealeaf had only existed for the last couple of years. And Caleb hadn’t looked at his arms, at his scars, at the blank gap, since he had broken all those years ago. And the only thing Caleb can think to do is bring his arm up to his face and silently cry into the name there.

* * *

 

The Mighty Nein continue on. They meet Caduceus Clay who is gentle and soothing but very odd. He wears long sleeves and odd green armour, his soulmark hidden. This is like Keg, who has never shown hers, but unlike Nila, who has hers on display consistently, the name _Kitor_ easily visible despite the fur that firbolgs are covered in.

“It gives me hope for them,” Nila says whilst they’re in Shady Creek Run, slowly running her fingers over the name. “Kitor is not yet dead and so we can save them. My family and your friends.” She has far more hope than Caleb has now. He is mainly quiet, speaking when necessary and he picks at his bandages more, nervous. Caduceus has a knowing look to his eyes when he looks over at them, the kind of gentle pity that makes Caleb’s skin crawl, but he understands it. They are clearly grieving.

Fighting the Iron Shepherds is harder than Caleb ever thought it would be. There is a little buzz of hope in his chest when Nila finds her family, upset but alive and they all get free, slipping away into the night. Finding Shakaste there too is a welcome surprise and the blind cleric is gentle with them, his blank eyes focusing on Caleb a little too long. The wizard tries to avoid the looks and be controlled and calm, until he hears Lorenzo’s voice again.

“ _Your kaleidoscopic friend…”_ And Caleb is furious. This man destroyed his soulmate, the partner he never got to have. And when the Oni burns at his own hands, he collapses weakly against the stairs out of the dungeon, partially because of the blood he is losing and partially because of the ache in his heart where he never got to fit Mollymauk.

“You shouldn’t have killed my cat,” he whispers, trying to hide the anger he feels over not only Frumpkin but Molly.

* * *

 

The Mighty Nein are quieter than usual heading back to Zadash. There are less antics and even with their payment, they go drinking and are slightly more closed off.

Until Caduceus appears to have an epiphany.

“It’s you!” he cries as they sit in one of the many bars of Zadash.

“It’s us?” asks Fjord, his voice still wary and tired after the ordeal. Caduceus shoves up his long, covering flowing sleeves. And on each of his arms, slightly covered by fur, are 3 names. On his left arm,

_Beauregard Lionett_

_Caleb Widogast_

And a scrawl of Goblin which could only read _Nott the Brave._

And on his right arm,

_Fjord_

_Yasha Nydoorin_

And a matching scrawl of Infernal to Fjord, clearly _Jester Lavorre._

“We’re all your soulmate?” asks Beau, sounding very sceptical, likely because of her own sexuality and how that could come into play.

“These are platonic soulmates,” explains Caduceus, his rumbling tone more excited than ever before. “I am not interested in sex at all, but that doesn’t mean I cannot have soulmates and love them. It’s a different kind of match. One you likely won’t have a soulmark for, but that does not bother me. I am merely glad to have been able to meet you all.” All of the Nein seem taken aback by this, but honestly, Caleb is just happy that this means that their new friend will be staying. He likes Caduceus. And two healers are likely necessary, concerning all the shenanigans they get up to collectively.

But it makes him wonder why Caleb is the name on Caduceus’s arm, not Bren.

Zadash hurts but they are soon travelling south to help Fjord out and Caleb is glad to be free of Zadash and the memories of what they’ve lost.

* * *

 

Being on the sea is oddly relaxing. It allows for them to open up a little more.

One night, after a huge storm, Yasha and Caleb find themselves on the top deck together.

“I miss him,” says Caleb, his voice barely above a whisper as he itches at the hidden mark on his left arm. Yasha looks at him, but she doesn’t have to ask who he’s talking about.

“I miss him too. It’s nice to have friends again but he…” she trails off, rubbing her own mark. “He was the only person I had loved after, after her.”

“I am sorry about your soulmate,” Caleb murmurs and before he can stop himself, he says, “I know how it feels.”

“It hurts so much,” Yasha replies, her voice barely audible above the crashing waves.

“I thought I was going to die with him,” Caleb croaks and there are already tears in his eyes, but he doesn’t dash them away. He hasn’t had any time to really discuss or explain who Mollymauk was. “I, I honestly did.” Yasha is silent for a long moment.

“I wasn’t there when Zuala died. I… I had run. But I felt it when she died, felt it in my chest and my heart and my arm.”

“Do you think it ever gets easier to bear?” Caleb asks.

“I don’t know, how long have you been without your soulmate?” Caleb pauses and decides that if anyone deserves to know what is written on his arm, it is Molly’s best friend. Instead of answering, he slowly unwraps the bandages around his arm and shows her the name.

“Bren is not a name I use anymore, but it was mine once.” Yasha traces the name with a light-touch.

“He would have loved you. He already did a little. Why didn’t you tell him?”

“Ah, I didn’t know. I didn’t have one for so long, I stopped looking. It only occurred to me after.” There are tears dripping down both of their faces now but neither of them comments on it. Yasha gently helps to bandage the arm back up.

“I am sorry you never got to be happy together.”

* * *

 

Unexpectedly, Jester comes to talk to him when they are on the Squall-Eater. She’s upset and Caleb thinks he knows why.

“Has, has someone ever just not turned out to be who you thought they were?” And Caleb puts his book down to give her a small sad smile.

“Is this about Fjord?”

“No!” Jester lies, poorly. “Why, ah, why would it be about Fjord?” Caleb taps the inside of his own arm.

“I saw your soulmark long ago, Jester. I know.” She immediately deflates in her seat.

“We’re meant to be, it’s meant to be perfect and he’s, he’s, he’s…” she starts to cry, and Caleb gives her a quick, but warm hug and then stays close.

“I know. I know.”

“I hate her! I hate Avantika and her wiles and charms and the say she uses him!” hisses Jester, sobbing quietly into Caleb’s shoulder. “I just, in all the books it just works out and he would just love me…” The wizard gently rubs her shoulder.

“Have you asked him? You know he can’t read Infernal; he may not even know its your name, Jester,” he suggests quietly. Jester sniffles and rubs her eyes.

“But, he must have seen my soulmark and worked it out right?” Caleb gives a little shrug.

“People can be very unobservant or dense. I know this very well. Talk to him. You won’t know anything until you do.”

And it must work out, because as soon as they leave Darktow, Fjord slings his arm around Jester and doesn’t let her go.

* * *

 

Going north to Felderwin doesn’t feel like it will be terrible until everything blows up in Caleb’s face.

 _Your people did this to my people_ rings in his ears and makes him feel weak and tired and ill. And then, Nott tells them everything. Tells them about Yeza, her husband and her son Luc. Tells them about what the goblins did to her. Tells them her real name, Veth Brenatto.

And so, Caleb does the same.

“Your name was Veth? My name was Bren Aldric Ermendrud.” He tells them about Trent Ikithon and what he suffered. He tells them about Astrid and Aedowulf a little. He tells them about the crystals and the years he has lost. He tells them that Bren is dead and gone; he is Caleb now. But he doesn’t tell them about Mollymauk. He’s not sure he is ready to let them all know just yet. It’s his secret to keep.

And he keeps it as they head down into the tunnels to head towards Xhorhas.


	3. You're too young to be lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Xhorhas is better than Caleb could have expected.'
> 
> The Mighty Nein fight through the struggles of working for the Bright Queen and grow so much closer. And who knows, there might be a surprise for them ahead?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all!! So this is the last chapter of this one, hope you all liked it!  
> I was meant to post this on the anniversary of Molly's death and I was real close, I was. But my internet is terrible.
> 
> Chapter title is from Elijah by Matthew and the Atlas:  
> "Elijah,  
> You're too young to be lost  
> Elijah,  
> Don't burn out on the cross."
> 
> PS: I veer from canon here for 2 reasons.  
> 1\. Ease  
> 2\. I miss Yasha already plz no Ashley come back

Xhorhas is better than Caleb could have expected. It is accepting and they are well-liked in Rosanna, though he knows it is an easy trust to break. He understands bureaucracy.

Reuniting Nott with Yeza is simultaneously the best and the worst experience of his life. He loves Nott and to see her happy is everything to him. But watching the way Yeza accepts her change unconditionally, caring only that it was still her underneath, it pierces his heart. Would Mollymauk still have loved him if he had know what Caleb had done? Or would the horrors of Caleb's past scared him away for good? He tears up, stood outside Yeza's cell, but he's not the only one. Fjord is crying, looking at Jester with a love-longing look. Beau is silent, tears dripping down her face as she grips the inside of her arm, over her own mark. Yasha's hand brushes his own, a gentle show of solidarity in his mourning.

When they get to the inn they are staying in, Fjord kisses Jester's hand and murmurs,

"Want to come up to bed with me, Jessie?" And his tone is that of a man who had been waiting far too long; who had been avoiding this for too long. Jester smiles and nods, giving his hand a quick squeeze.

"Of course, Fjord." And they head upstairs. Nott and Yeza don't stay long either, heading off together. Beau grunts something about getting a drink and wanders off, Yasha quietly following her. Which leaves only Caduceus and Caleb.

"I had never said it before, but I am sorry for your loss, Mister Caleb," rumbles the firbolg gently and for the first time in a while, the phrase _Mister Caleb_ tears his heartstrings. He had gotten used to Caduceus calling him that with only a dull ache. But now, in this situation, it hurts so much more.

"My loss?" he croaks out.

"Of your soulmate, Mister Tealeaf. I had my suspicions when you came to me asking about resurrections. But today, seeing the joy and yet sorrow at Miss Nott being reunited with with her husband made me sure," explains Caduceus and a part of Caleb wants to be angry. It wants to be furious, to yell or lash out or scream or something, anything...

But Caduceus has always been so kind and gentle, caring for Caleb through his panicked moments.

"Oh, ah, Ja. I... Ja," Caleb manages, unsure of what else to say. Caduceus gives an encouraging smile.

"I understand grief, but this? I could never attempt to truly comprehend this." Caleb just nods, unsure of what to say. He is glad for the support, but there is nothing that can be said which will change anything that has happened. He is happy that Nott is happy but that will never change his own pain. Caleb's eyes drift over to Beauregard and Yasha who seem to be quietly talking at the bar. And, for the moment, all is peaceful.

* * *

Rosanna is nice. Caleb feels wary there, obviously. His nature as a human is severely distrusted but at least he doesn't have to continually cast Polymorph to not get arrested or enslaved. The house they are given is nice too. Caleb knows it's an attempt to buy their loyalty, but really, it's a rather nice attempt. He, as he said before the Bright Queen herself, has no love for the empire. It's late one night in this house, early into their stay in Rosanna when he notices it. Caleb is undressing for bed when he notices that there is a second mark on his arm. It's in a language he doesn't recognise, so, ever the scholar, he casts Comprehend Languages.

_Mollymauk Tealeaf_

_Caduceus Clay_

Oh. That makes him smile. The idea that he could develop another soulmate, even one who was as platonic as Caduceus gives him a little spark of hope. Maybe the world had been wrong before. Maybe it was just him as a person who wasn't worthy of love, not his immortal soul.

Oddly enough, a week later in the Xhorhaus, Yasha comes to speak with him.

"Caleb?" she asks, stood in the door to his room. He looks up from his book.

"Oh, Yasha. Come in. What is going on?" She stands in the threshold for a moment longer before stepping in.

"You know a lot about soulmates?" The wizard shrugs.

"I know enough. Why?" In answer, Yasha crosses the room and shows him her arm.

Underneath Zuala another name is beginning to show.

_Beauregard Lionett_

Caleb permits himself a small smile.

"I know that she knows I am the Orphan-Maker, but we haven't really discussed anything about our relationship. And now, I have this," she says softly and Caleb nods.

"You have another chance at happiness, Yasha. She cares about you, soulmate or not, even if she struggles to show it." Yasha nods, smiling a little.

"I had thought that... That Zuala was everything but also that, well, that that was it," she admits. "Soulmates are a very for-life thing." Caleb doesn't say anything for a long moment, his mind on his own lost half.

"Apparently, we're not done with the world yet," Caleb murmurs, to which Yasha nods.

"Apparently not."

* * *

Beauregard comes to him nought but 2 days later, in that secretively vulnerable way she has. Caleb is used to his by now; they are practically siblings at this point.

"Gotta talk to you. S'bout Yasha." They had spoken about soulmates briefly before, but it has been very theoretical and abstract, no names. Caleb lets her in.

"Ja?"

"I know it's her. I know she's the Orphan-Maker, but also..."

"What is it?" asks Caleb, not unkindly.

"What if she doesn't want me?" she replies, her voice quieter than Caleb has ever heard it. "Her, her partner died. And I'm not her soulmate, even if she's mine." Caleb sighs softly. Dealing with this drama from all of the soul pairings in the group is not his idea of fun. But, he will humour them. Especially Beauregard.

"Have you asked her? You are making assumptions," he points out, quietly.

"I can't ask her! That would be..."

"Admitting you care," Caleb fills in sadly, and Beau goes silent.

"Yeah," she finally says.

"Take it from someone who knows, don't wait. Because life can take them away before you can know you had them," Caleb says, his voice partially sorrowful and partially cold. Beau frowns.

"You've never spoken about your soulmate. I know about your family and all that bullshit, but not about your soulmate. What happened?"  
Caleb knows he could just not say anything and Beau would press him but likely eventually accept it. But what is he hiding from now? Yasha and Caduceus already know. With a sigh, Caleb plays with his shirt sleeve but doesn't lift it up.

"I had lived all my life believing I had no soulmate. My arms were blank. Until, ah, until Mollymauk died and I felt it in my very soul. He was my mate and I hadn't known until it was too late. And, ah, and now he's gone." Beau looks gentle, far more than usual.

"I'm sorry. Think he was into you, soulmate or not." Caleb manages a wry grin but flips the topic back to Beau quickly.

"That's why you should speak with Yasha. You should tell her, before you can't tell her anymore."

Beau sighs and leans over to give Caleb a somewhat awkward but reassuring hug.

"Thanks, Caleb. Don't know if I'll take your advice, but I'll think about it. But, you know, I'm here if you want to talk about Molly," she grunts, uncomfortable with the vulnerability. Caleb nods, just letting her hug him.

"Danke," is all he replies.

* * *

The days in Xhorhas continue on. The Mighty Nein continue to work for the Bright Queen and Professor Waccoh. The jobs are difficult and taxing and it is after one of these jobs that Caleb wonders if any of this is worth it.  
The Nein are riding back through the Barbed Fields on their moorbounders. Jester holds Fjord upright, the half-orc barely conscious. Their last fight has been such a slog against some poisonous creatures which where challenging the road around the Fields. They had been tasked with killing them off. And that had done it, but these creatures almost got the better of them. All of the Mighty Nein are bruised and exhausted. Caleb is struggling to cling to Yannick's reigns as every jolt sends pain rippling through him from the gash down his left side. Jester, Caleb, Fjord and Caduceus are all tapped of any spells, but the major issue is the clerics, unable to heal any wounds they have.

Fjord is the worst. He took the brunt of the attack and was badly poisoned by one of the creatures. Now, the half-orc is a sickly shade of yellow and there is blood dripping from his mouth periodically. Their only hope is to get him back to Rosanna and to a temple of the Luxon which can help him quickly.

And so, they race through the Barbed Fields. Caleb has to pass the reigns to Beau halfway through the ride as the pain is too great to focus. But they keep pressing. Fjord is only getting worse; he's barely conscious now, murmuring quietly without his usual accent and so they just keep going, as fast as they can into Rosanna. The first temple they reach is just within the walls and it has no clerics capable of dealing with this issue, so they direct the worried party deeper into the city, to a temple with houses the sick. It takes them another precious twenty minutes to get there and Fjord loses consciousness about halfway through the trip. So, as they burst into this considerably larger temple, Jester is carrying her soulmate, looking terrified.

"Please, please, help him, he's been poisoned!" she cries out and two drow clerics come rushing forward, helping Jester get Fjord through a set of double doors into a bed. There are a couple of other patients in the room, an elderly gnoll and a drow family but they pay little mind to the newcomers. The clerics begin to work on Fjord, weaving magic around him the colour of silver. A third cleric comes over to the party.

"Is anyone else injured?" they ask, calmly. Nott tugs at Caleb's trouser insistently and he knows he'll be in trouble if he doesn't speak up.

"I am," admits Caleb, still clutching at the leaking wound on his side. The cleric comes over, weaving the same silver magic around their fingers as the wound closes. It is not completely healed but Caleb is safe.

* * *

The Mighty Nein remain at the temple for a while. It takes an hour for the clerics to stabilise Fjord, purging the poison from his system. But the half-orc is still exhausted and the clerics don't want him to leave just yet. So they remain. The temple is quiet, but this peace is broken suddenly at the end of the second hour as a commotion comes from an adjacent room. Caleb turns, frowning as the Nein catch snippets of the conversation.

"Please, you have-"

"-Lee.. sit down! You're not b-"

"I tracked... Please... My friends-"

"Not until... Healed!"

Caleb heads over to the door from which the sounds are coming; Beau follows him. He is intent on helping the clerics with the difficult patient when something in his soul tugs. The wizard pulls open the door to reveal three drow struggling to hold down a bruised, weak, emaciated but so _goddamn_ _familiar_ tiefling.

"Mollymauk?" Caleb manages to breathe and the tiefling immediately stops thrashing, his red eyes fixing on Caleb's blue.

"Caleb..." he gasps and immediately falls limp against the cot. "Beau. Oh, by the Moonweaver... You're, you're here!" Caleb surges forward as the clerics back off, but they remain close in case they have to restrain Mollymauk again. The wizard raises his hand, slowly ghosting it over Molly's jawline.

"You're really here?" he asks and Mollymauk nods, leaning immediately into his touch.

"I'm here. I'm alive."

  
"How the fuck did you find us out here?" asks Beau, looking happy but wary. Caleb has to clench his fist to prevent himself from just grabbing Mollymauk's hand. The tiefling in question looks sheepish.

"Actually, I didn't find you particularly. When I, ah, uh, woke up? I clawed my way out of my grave again and well, the Moonweaver guided me. She was trying to guide me to my soulmate and, ah, well, I got sidetracked here. I fell in their doors a couple of days ago, weak and exhausted from travelling alone with no money. But they talked. They talked about the Heroes of the Dynasty and they described you! I, I knew I had to find you, to get back to you, but they wouldn't let me leave. I'm still pretty weak," he explains, his red eyes glittering in the low light. Caleb feels like crying. Mollymauk is here, with him, alive and real and he feels like his heart is going to burst. But there will be time to explain everything later, when he can talk to Molly alone. For now, he lets Beau give him a hug which looks like it hurts before calling in the rest of the Nein. Jester squeals, hugging Molly in the same tight way as Beau. Nott even hugs him quickly. He gets a wave from Fjord, stuck in bed and a warm greeting from Caduceus. But Yasha gives Mollymauk the biggest hug, lifting him straight up and not letting him go.

"Mollymauk," she whispers as the tiefling curls tighter into her embrace, tears in his red eyes.

"Yasha..." And Caleb smiles. For the moment, everything is okay.

* * *

The clerics finally relent and allow Fjord and Mollymauk to leave with them around 2 hours later. Caleb knows that it is around the very early morning, having ridden through most of the night, though the city is as dark as ever. The Mighty Nein are all exhausted. Yasha is holding up Mollymauk and Jester is holding up Fjord as they slump into the Xhorhaus, all heading straight up to their rooms. Yasha takes Mollymauk who is practically asleep, with her and Caleb feels a yank in his chest at the removal of his soulmate from his sight. He hasn't taken his eyes off Mollymauk Tealeaf since they were reunited and he really doesn't want to. But Caleb himself is exhausted, drained of spells and sore from the battle. As much as he fears that it is all a dream, the wizard passes straight out the second he gets to his bed.

* * *

Caleb wakes with the sun as he always does and he heads downstairs, surprised to see that Mollymauk too is up. He stands at the table with a cup of Caduceus's tea, gazing abjectly out of the window. It's odd to see the tiefling dressed so plainly, clearly in whatever clothes Yasha could lend him as they are far too big for him. Molly startles, seeing Caleb and he offers him a shy smile.

  
"Mister Caleb." And by all the gods, that nickname is so comforting.

  
"Mister Mollymauk. How are you feeling today?"

  
"So much better," he replies truthfully. "This is lovely? The house is yours?"

  
"Ja, we were gifted it by the Dynasty. A clear attempt to win our allegiance, but I don't mind greatly," Caleb says. "It is a nice house and none of us are particularly connected to the Empire, I suppose."

  
"You shall have to regale me with the many tales of what you've been up to without me," chuckles Mollymauk and Caleb nods, his heart aching at the thought of the time without Mollymauk.

"I, ah, I got your note." And the wizard blushes, remembering very clearly the note he had written. And the post script he had left. "About, um, about my soulmate..." Mollymauk pauses and Caleb feels like vomiting. Is this Molly rejecting him? "Bren isn't my soulmate. You are." And the tiefling twists his arm over to show Caleb. There, scrawled tidily into the purple underarm is his own name.

  
_Caleb Widogast._

"When, ah, when I woke up, the other name was gone and there was yours and I followed the Moonweaver out here to you. And I know it's a lot and you've never spoken about soulmates-"

  
"Mollymauk."

"I just don't want to make any assumptions and you know, I'm only just back and-"

  
"Mollymauk."

"So much has happened and I'm so sorry, this is all a bit-"

  
"Mollymauk Tealeaf!" Finally that shuts him up. Caleb sighs, shoving up his own sleeve to show his soulmate the mark. And there it is, no longer scored through and grey, but a rich, comforting black.

  
"I had no mark for so long. Blank-blooded," Caleb says and his voice is thick with tears. "And I didn't realise you were my mate until you died and I felt it in my chest and my arm and my soul. I never had a chance to love my soulmate. But, now, ja? Now I think I do again." Mollymauk is silent, ghosting trembling fingertips over his own name on Caleb's skin.

  
"What about this?" he asks quietly, touching the floral scrawl of Giant underneath. This mark is not black, like Mollymauk's name, but a cool blue.

  
"Oh, ja, that's Caduceus. It's platonic," Caleb explains with a little laugh. Mollymauk relaxes, flashing him a shy, but sorrowful smile.

  
"You didn't have a mark for so long because of me. I'm, I'm sorry I put you through that." Caleb shrugs, placing his hand atop Molly's own.

  
"It is in the past."

  
"We have a new beginning now," Molly says earnestly. "That's what the Moonweaver promised me." Caleb laughs softly, squeezing Mollymauk's hand.

  
"I like that. A new beginning." And the tiefling leans in, letting the wizard stretch up to kiss him. And everything feels right with the world as Caleb finally has his soulmate in his arms.

  
"But, wait, wait," mumbles Molly, pulling back barely an inch, not wanting to move away any more than Caleb. "Who was Bren?"

Caleb laughs, breathy against the other's lips.

  
"I was Bren. But now, I'm Caleb. I abandoned the name Bren before I knew you."

  
"Oh, good. Glad to know you were always my soulmate," is all the tiefling replies before returning to kissing him.

* * *

Reintegrating Mollymauk back into the Nein is far easier than Caleb expects. Everyone treats him just as usual. Caduceus, Beau and Yasha sometimes give Caleb knowing looks as he talks to Mollymauk or stays near to him, but it's never brought up. Caleb doesn't mind at all, really. It's not a secret, his relationship with Mollymauk, but it's also not something he feels the need to advertise. So, it is not spoken about.

  
Until Nott catches sight of their soulmarks. Caleb doesn't hide his anymore, proud of his soulmate and his connection to Caduceus. But there is one day that they're lazing under the tree in the Xhorhaus with Nott and Yeza. Mollymauk is braiding his hair and Caleb is reading as they sit close together.

  
"Can I put flowers in your hair, Molly?" asks Nott and the tiefling grins.

  
"Sure, go ahead." And he relaxes, hands in his lap as Nott pushes small flowers into his tidily braided hair. And, it is now, that she glances over Mollymauk's bare arms and notices his soul mark. Nott shrieks,

  
"You're my boy's soulmate?!" And Caleb drops his book in surprise.

  
"Aha, yes?" tries Mollymauk, almost sheepishly as he shuffles back slightly.

  
"It's okay, Nott," Caleb says quickly and she wheels around to him. "I have found that I really rather love my soulmate." Nott relaxes slightly.

  
"How long have you known?" she asks Caleb.

  
"Only since he died," Caleb replies quietly and Nott is still for a minute. And she throws her arms around him.

  
"I'm sorry I didn't know you were hurting." Caleb blinks slowly but reciprocates the hug.

  
"You were not to know. And it is okay now," he promises quietly. She nods, hugging him tighter.

"We're together now." Mollymauk reaches out to take Caleb's hand, making the wizard smile. Nott turns straight on the tiefling.

"If you hurt him, Mollymauk Tealeaf, I will put you in the ground for a third time myself," she hisses and Molly looks shocked.

  
"Oh, uh, okay?"

  
"Are we threatening Molly? Why?" comes a bright voice as Jester comes up to the tree, Fjord in tow.

  
"Just letting him know that no matter if Caleb and him are soulmates, he still has to answer to me if he hurts him," Nott says self-importantly and Caleb winces. Oh, this is not how he would have liked Jester to find out.

  
"Soulmates?!" she squeals and it's Fjord's turn to wince. Mollymauk kisses Caleb's cheek.

"I'll deal with Jester, dear heart," he whispers before immediately distracting the other tiefling with a rapid fire of Infernal. They head back into the house together, chattering away and Fjord comes over.

  
"You alright?" he asks and Caleb blinks.

  
"Ja, I am okay. I knew Jester may react like that."

  
"She'll calm down. Uh, congratulations, by the way. It's good to see you happy." Caleb doesn't reply, letting Yeza strike up a conversation with Fjord. Is he happy? Does he deserve to be happy?

As he is ruminating on this, Mollymauk comes back. He sits beside Caleb, smiling warmly.

  
"Okay, darling?" he asks softly, hand slipping into Caleb's own and the wizard nods.

  
"Ja, I am okay. Everything fine with Jester?"

  
"Oh, yeah. Kept her away from the more prying questions. But she's happy really," Molly says, gently leaning his head against Caleb's and he snuggles carefully into the tiefling's neck.

  
"Danke," he murmurs and Molly kisses his head.

  
"Anything for you," he replies with so much sincerity that Caleb's heart almost bursts. He turns to gently kiss his lips, smiling into it. And yes, Caleb thinks he might be happy.

* * *

Caleb Widogast had been born blank-blooded. But now, his arms are filled with names. There are names of his family in cool blue: the overprotective goblin mother; the gentle but insightful firbolg; the grouchy but caring adoptive sister; the quiet introvert he finds comfort in; the enigma of a half-orc whom he trusts anyway and the overexcitable but loving tiefling. And there is the name of his soulmate. The kind, affectionate tiefling who returned for him; who adores him; who understands him. And finally, Caleb Widogast feels a sense of completeness in his lonely soul.

**Author's Note:**

> Come bother me on twitter or tumblr, also as HistoriaGloria. I like chats :D


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